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Homeless men as mobile vending machines may be cancelled

Homeless men as mobile vending machines may be cancelled

A new scheme to attach vending machines to homeless people has come under fire after a man was admitted to hospital with second-degree burns. The scheme was started by a local company that was hoping to bring some attention to local homeless people as well as spin up a few bucks profit. The idea was [...]

Photos of plastic bits from iPad3 cause man to wet panties, then explode

Photos of plastic bits from iPad3 cause man to wet panties, then explode

Police were called to the flagship Apple store on USA Street, New York, after members of the public reported seeing a grown man looking at photos of some plastic iPad parts from a factory in China, wet his panties, then explode. The man, 34, had been queueing outside the store since the lauch of the [...]

Mark Wahlberg cardboard cutouts to be placed on all international flights

Mark Wahlberg cardboard cutouts to be placed on all international flights

The five largest airlines in the world have announced they will be carrying life-sized cardboard cutouts of Mark Wahlberg to prevent future terrorist attacks. This follows news that 9/11 could have been avoided had Wahlberg been anywhere near ‘the bad guys’. The bad guys have responded by saying: Had Marky Mark been on any of [...]

Iconic AOL “somebody did a search” bell stolen

Iconic AOL “somebody did a search” bell stolen

AOL have reported a symbolic office bell missing and have offered a reward for its return. The bell, nicknamed Big Bertha is rung every time somebody performs a search on the website. Nigel, from accounts, is tasked with ringing the bell: It’s really strange not hearing that thing. I get notifications when somebody’s on the [...]

David Beckham turns down offer after currency mix up

David Beckham turns down offer after currency mix up

David Beckham has turned down an offer from Paris Saint-Germain after LA Galaxy told him they’d match the offer of ‘one million a game’. Paris Saint Whatever told me they’d pay me £1,000,000 a game. Galaxy turned around and said ‘OK, we’ll pay you $1,000,000 a game’. Tomatoes-potatoes, right? The deal should see Beckham lose [...]

Millions hoping to get lucky on New Year’s Eve

Millions hoping to get lucky on New Year’s Eve

Millions of people are expected to descend onto the streets tomorrow night in the hope of an expensive night out, drunkeness, casual sex with predatory males and the chance of paying to get into pubs that are either half empty or filled with double the amount of Irish people as is normally allowed. Whilst many [...]

US troops withdrawn after governments fail to agree on how to pronounce ‘Iraq’

US troops withdrawn after governments fail to agree on how to pronounce ‘Iraq’

The last of America’s troops have been withdrawn from Iraq after last-ditch attempts were made to agree on how to pronounce the name of the country. The Americans have been present in Iraq for close to a decade but still insist on calling it “eye-raq”. Minutes from the last meeting highlight the clear differences between [...]

Four year olds call for an end to ‘Father Christmas lies’

Four year olds call for an end to ‘Father Christmas lies’

A group of four year olds have camped near 10 Downing Street demanding an end to ‘lies, lies and more damned lies’. The group is led by a charismatic blond from Birmingham who goes by the name Tyson. I’m 4 ¼, OK. It’s about time I was treated with a bit of respect. I’m not [...]

Rupert Murdoch ‘hacked Santa’s mailbag’

Rupert Murdoch ‘hacked Santa’s mailbag’

The Leveston Inquiry has heard testimony from witnesses that say they personally saw Rupert Murdoch intercepting mail bound for Lapland. The witness, who was granted anonymity, was referred to throughout proceeding as ‘Dwarf A’. In his testimony he described seeing Murdoch rummaging through mailbags hoping to find something newsworthy. He was pulling out letters, reading [...]

Santa falls foul of equal opportunities laws

Santa falls foul of equal opportunities laws

Father Christmas has come under fire from equal opportunity groups after a recent head count revealed he only hires male dwarves. Unions have called for greater transparency in the Santa recruiting process and are calling for changes that would see Santa hiring both females and taller people. Larry King asked Cee Lo Green his opinion [...]

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