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Governments raise Terror Threat Warning Level after threat of ‘something’ from ‘somewhere’

Governments raise Terror Threat Warning Level after threat of ‘something’ from ‘somewhere’

Ahead of the anniversary of 9/11, the US and UK governments have both raised their Terror Threat warning levels after an unspecified something or other. The UK took action as the day started, raising it from “Quite Scary” to “Scary”. The US went a step further raising their level from “Scary” to “Hella Scary”. We’re [...]

Mexican cartels launch recruitment website

Mexican cartels launch recruitment website

After seeing thousands of their members die in Mexico’s War on Terror, the three biggest cartels have launched a recruitment website to bolster their number. Our new website lists all our current vacancies, of which there’s a lot, and let’s people know what they can expect after signing up. The website features quotes from current [...]

Obama: “Republicans are killing ‘the new American Dream’”

Obama: “Republicans are killing ‘the new American Dream’”

President Obama has strongly criticised opponents of healthcare reforms saying they are stifling ‘the new American Dream’. Everyone who wants to own a house, owns a house. Same with cars. The new American Dream is looking good. Obama is hoping to push offers of Botox, teeth whitening and nose jobs as top priorities. Republicans have [...]

Air marshals taser Strauss-Kahn on plane home

Air marshals taser Strauss-Kahn on plane home

Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested today shortly after boarding a flight home to France. After reportedly offering a neighbouring female passenger some popcorn, stewards ran to the scene after the passenger screamed. She claims to have found something ‘unexpected’ at the bottom of the half-empty bucket of popcorn — something she describes as feeling like ‘a [...]

US claims debt repayments ‘lost’

US claims debt repayments ‘lost’

A diplomatic row between the United States and China looks set to continue after talks failed to settle the issue of missed debt repayments. Under current arrangements, America pays back a long term loan from China at a rate of a billion dollars a month. Problems arose last month when the US changed from wiring [...]

McCain health concerns after erratic behaviour

McCain health concerns after erratic behaviour

Friends and relatives of John McCain have raised concerns after President Obama received a series of bizarre emails from him, apparently ‘from the past’. President Obama , If my calculations are correct, you will receive this letter immediately after you successfully raised the US debt limit. First, let me assure you that I am alive [...]

Buffet incident at Applebee’s leaves woman in critical condition

Buffet incident at Applebee’s leaves woman in critical condition

A Pittsburgh woman is said to be in critical condition after getting caught between a fat man and a buffet at an Applebee’s restaurant in Houston, Texas. Audrey Worth was hurt during a lunchtime visit to an All You Can Eat buffet at the city center Applebee’s restaurant. Customers are asked to wait at the [...]

Pitbull offers $1500 reward for stolen rhyming dictionary

Pitbull offers $1500 reward for stolen rhyming dictionary

American rapper Pitbull has offered a cash reward for the safe return of his rhyming dictionary. The dictionary was taken from a hotel room the rapper was staying at on a recent tour of North Dakota. Along with jewellry worth over $250, his treasured rhyming dictionary was also taken. Ever since it’s been gone my [...]

Whitehouse bullying ‘must stop’

Whitehouse bullying ‘must stop’

House Speaker John Boehner has come out to say that he, and others, are fed up with the way Democrats are behaving around the Whitehouse. He claims Democrats, annoyed at the recent political backlash against Obama, are picking on Republicans at any and every opportunity. The types of stuff going on is childish. I got [...]

Obama launches employment drive

Obama launches employment drive

President Obama has begun a campaign aimed at getting more young people in employment. Under the banner ‘Stacking that Paper’, the President is touring the country giving speeches at student, youth and unemployment rallys. As most of you probably know — if you don’t, look it up on Wikipedia — I’m worth in excess of [...]

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