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Shot put gold medalist disqualified after grizzly bear DNA find

Shot put gold medalist disqualified after grizzly bear DNA find

Officials have confirmed they have stripped another gold medal from a contestant after DNA tests confirmed she was, in fact, a 400lb grizzly bear. The revelations came to light after shot put contestants were required to submit a urine sample. We knew something was up when Russia’s sample was submitted — an overflowing 2 litre [...]

Men take gold in Asking For Directions

Men take gold in Asking For Directions

Men have been celebrating through the night after unexpectedly taking gold in Asking For Directions. Women, who had been favourites, said they would be appealing the decision, and asked for a halt to proceedings until this had taken place. It’s ridiculous. If you watch the replay, you can clearly see Men driving around aimlessly. I [...]

Rowing disqualification after midgets spotted below boat

Rowing disqualification after midgets spotted below boat

The French rowing team face disqualification from yesterday’s race after a line of midgets was spotted kicking their legs below the team boat. The team were performing far better than expected, prompting one twitter user to joke that the French team were being shadowed by a shark. After receiving hundreds of retweets, it was only [...]

Scientists find Higgs boson down the back of the sofa

Scientists find Higgs boson down the back of the sofa

The science community have united in celebration after the announcement this morning that the Higgs Boson had finally been found down the back of the sofa, with £1.74 and some biscuit crumbs. The announcement ends nearly 50 years of searching, billions of dollars funding and millions of wasted man hours. In the end, it was [...]

Eurovision runners up taken out the building and shot in the head

Eurovision runners up taken out the building and shot in the head

Human rights observers have said they’re not particularly bothered that Eurovision organisers are taking runners-up out the side entrance and shooting them once in the back of the head. The organisers confirmed they’d been murdering contestants after responding to questions at a press conference. Yes, we do put contestants out of their misery. It’s for [...]

Swedish anger after Obama pins Queen on Pinterest

Swedish anger after Obama pins Queen on Pinterest

Sweden have announced they are expelling the American ambassador after an embarrassing social media ‘mix up’ left the Queen of Sweden enraged. The diplomatic row erupted after the Barack Obama account ‘pinned’ images of The Queen of Sweden in an album named ‘Royal Milfs’. Pinterest allows users to bookmark images they find into various albums/boards. [...]

Millions hoping to get lucky on New Year’s Eve

Millions hoping to get lucky on New Year’s Eve

Millions of people are expected to descend onto the streets tomorrow night in the hope of an expensive night out, drunkeness, casual sex with predatory males and the chance of paying to get into pubs that are either half empty or filled with double the amount of Irish people as is normally allowed. Whilst many [...]

Greek anger at suggestions they may have to start paying tax

Greek anger at suggestions they may have to start paying tax

Greece’s new Prime Minister, Lucas Papademos, has caused widespread anger at plans that would see workers paying tax. Under the current system, the general public pay some taxes, higher earners pay as and when they feel like it, and the top 1% just don’t bother with them at all. Gaps in spending are filled by [...]

Berlusconi resignation sends escort agency share prices through the roof

Berlusconi resignation sends escort agency share prices through the roof

Italian escort agencies were thrilled this week after the Prime Minister announced he would hand in his resignation. As well as expected revenue increases, they were surprised to see their collective share prices double. Wall Street traders did not jump on the band wagon as some analysts have noted “he can’t have too many bullets [...]

Greek Prime Minister resigns after admitting he ‘really can’t be arsed with all this’

Greek Prime Minister resigns after admitting he ‘really can’t be arsed with all this’

Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou has offered his resignation after an extended period of turbulence and uncertainty in Greece. Whilst I’ll leave with many happy memories, I’m now at the point where I really can’t be arsed with all this anymore. I leave you all with a smile, a high five and a mountain of [...]

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