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Queen celebrates 60 years of having exactly the same hairdo

Queen celebrates 60 years of having exactly the same hairdo

The United Kingdom has begun a weekend of celebrations to mark the 60th year the Queen has had a light to medium perm. She first unveiled the hairdo in 1952 and has stubbornly refused to change it ever since. She was one of the only women in the 90s that didn’t get her hair done [...]

Riff raff & toe rags cleared off streets ahead of Jubilee celebrations

Riff raff & toe rags cleared off streets ahead of Jubilee celebrations

The army have been called in to help police move various undesirables out of sight ahead of the Queen’s Jubilee celebrations. Authorities have been targeting areas well known for scabby looking people and have been clearing them from London as fast as they can jam them onto a bus. Targeted groups include any chavs, riff [...]

Voting begins on who Simon Cowell will shag next

Voting begins on who Simon Cowell will shag next

The UK public have begun their annual tradition of voting who gets to get shagged by Simon Cowell, an honour most men and women only get to read about in his biographies.  Simon says that thousand apply every year, but only a lucky few get to see ‘The Truth’. Most people can’t handle it — [...]

Syrian President spotted defying hose pipe ban on Google Streetview

Syrian President spotted defying hose pipe ban on Google Streetview

President Assad has further enraged the international community after being spotted openly ignoring a strict summer hose pipe ban, on Google Streetview. The hose pipe ban was brought in after lakes in Eastern England reached their lowest level since the ‘Great Water Shortage’ of 2011. The President was seen cleaning his car, a 1978 Firebird [...]

Health scare after traces of nutrition found in Scottish kebab

Health scare after traces of nutrition found in Scottish kebab

Officials have shut down takeaways in a 20 mile radius of Aberdeen after reports that some lettuce and a bit of cucumber had been found in a kebab.  Health Ministers were quick to act following an early morning alert from police questioning a drunk found staggering around saying he was the ‘Last King of Scotland’. [...]

Large rise in consumer spending turns out to be ‘just payday’

Large rise in consumer spending turns out to be ‘just payday’

The UK banking system ground to a halt this morning as more than £900 trillion dollars was transfered back and forth between indivuduals and businesses. At first, the Treasury announced the UK was ‘no longer fecked’, but withdrew that statement when they realised it was just people paying their rent, bills, credit cards, bills, store [...]

Jordan promise not too torture Abu Qatada too much

Jordan promise not too torture Abu Qatada too much

The home secretary has defended plans to deport radical cleric Abu Qatada, saying Jordan has given its assurances they won’t torture him as much as their other prisoners. In return, Britain has given its assurances we don’t really give a shit either way. The UK has been trying to get rid of Abu Qatada for [...]

Petrol shortages force fat people to walk

Petrol shortages force fat people to walk

Panic buying at the petrol pumps has caused widespread shortages that, in some extreme situations, has forced fatties to actually walk. The panic buying began, when the Fuck The Rest Union announced they would be calling strikes. Following Union threats, government officials reminded fatties and morons that, should petrol run out, they’d have to walk [...]

Queen’s Jubilee: Chelmsford becomes “city”, Dundee becomes “shitty”

Queen’s Jubilee: Chelmsford becomes “city”, Dundee becomes “shitty”

After promoting Chelmsford from town, to city, the Queen has taken the unusual step of demoting Dundee from city to shitty. Whilst Chelmsford celebrated their new title, residents of Dundee mumbled: Aye, that’s just bloody typical English bastards. Another reason we need to leave them and join Iceland. From now on, they will be known [...]

New tax laws to target pie eaters and fanny merchants

New tax laws to target pie eaters and fanny merchants

Pie eaters and fanny merchants have expressed disappointment that they are to be the focus of upcoming tax changes being discussed by ministers. Pie eaters and salad dodgers have long been seen as a drain on NHS resources, with some estimating up to £2bn a year is spent on sugary tea and cheese sandwiches for [...]